It’s 3 in the morning and I woke up randomly and now I can go back to sleep. The past few days have been weird. I’ve just been in a funk and it feels like the major depression I had during my sophomore year of high school. I’m lying in bed and it doesn’t feel comfortable no matter what position I try.
Lately I’ve just been feeling like I don’t fit in. I don’t know why, though. I’ve been pretty social, but at the same time I feel alone. I don’t feel like anyone really understands me. And frankly, I don’t even understand myself. I’m just a nomad of sorts: floating from one thing to the next to feel something. Do I actually feel things?
School is coming to an end, technically. I mean the semester is almost over, then there is a thing called “May Term”. I have a little anxiety over that because my college has become my home. It’s where I feel myself the most. My actual “home” doesn’t feel like a home. My mom is always gone and my sister, who is about to have a baby, is always working. And I’m stuck there alone with no one to talk to. Then when they’re home none of us really talk to each other because we’re doing different things with our lives. It’s like living with roommates you met through a personal ad on the internet, we get along just so we can live together and that’s about it.
I want to start becoming financially independent from my mom, but I don’t know where to go from there. I don’t have a car, so I’m not even a real person. I also don’t have car or health insurance which is pretty stressful. More so the health than the car because, like I said earlier, I don’t have a car.
I hooked up with a guy this week and we didn’t use a condom. He said he was clean, but I’m still going to get tested maybe tomorrow (technically today).
I think all of this funky feeling is coming from the realization I had the other day that I don’t have my shit together. I thought I did, I really did. But the events of this week just made me realize I was nowhere near. But I’m telling myself that it’s okay because I’m still young and there’s all the time in the world. Besides who in my age group has their life together at this point?
That’s what really scares me.
Falling in love is easy. Having sex is easier. But bumping into someone that can spark your soul - that shit is rare.
You could fuck four, five, all the people in a god damned room and you’d only feel a connection with one. Or none at all.
And what sucks is despite the undeniable real magnetic pull between the two of you, more often than not, you don’t end up together.
I’m afraid I won’t meet anyone else I can connect with.
I’m scared it’ll be just you.”
“How was your day?”
“Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe”
“How are you?”
“I hope you’re feeling better”
“Have a good day today!”
“I miss you”
“Can you come over?”
“Can I come over?”
“Can I see you?”
“Can I call you?”
“Want something to drink?”
“Watch your step”
“Let’s watch a movie”
“What are you up to?”
“How is your day so far?”
“It will be okay”
“I’m here for you”
“Do you need anything?”
“Are you hungry?”
“I just wanted to hear your voice”
“You just made my day”
You don’t have to hear “I Love You” to know that someone does. Listen carefully. People speak from the heart more often than you think.”
I don’t need a lover, but I want a lover.
I want someone I can travel the world with, but also settle down and have a family.
I want someone who I can be entirely myself around and help me find myself.
I want someone to break down the walls I put up.
I want to find solace in the fact that someone out there cares about me.
I don’t know what love is and I want someone who can help me discover it.
I feel fulfilled!
I’m in college
I’ve made and maintained a lot of new friends
I’m planning my future everyday
When I think about the future, though, I could either be successful or a failure.
I feel like I don’t fit in with my friends sometimes
I’m in college but I feel like I could be doing so much more
I feel empty.
My mom called me today and we talked for a bit and she brought up dad and talked about how she could die at any given moment. This scared me and made me uncomfortable. But that is the reality of it all: everyone dies.
The conversation also made me think of this:
The death of a parent is like the death of a God.
This figure in our life that we look up to, aspire to be, and rely on becomes immortal to us due to the fact that he or she has done outstanding things for us that we cannot imagine doing ourselves.
But when you find out they are sick and dying, you become lost. This entity you once deemed as indestructible has become a victim of mortality, reality.
You cannot do anything but watch them degenerate and eventually perish.
And with this comes a haunting reminder that one day you will meet the same fate as them.